I felt low yesterday in the morning, didn’t have much patience with Sonny. The gloom mood just sank into my body, I felt it spread to every corner of me and couldn’t do anything to stop it.

I told Terry, “I’m not happy today.” He asked:” Any reason?” “No reasons, it’s just one of those low spirit days. Give me some time, time will cure it.” Terry told Sonny to listen to me without argument, make the day easy for me.

Sonny and I went to beach, Terry stayed home, baked some bread and watched football game.

When we arrived at beach, some of our friends already there, sat in the shade under the tree. It was a clear sunny day, mellow water. I talked with our friends for a little while, when the ocean built up some waves, I jumped into the ocean, played 2 hours.The low feeling descended from me, I actually had some fun, caught some good waves.

Later two lady friends came with their kids and grand-kids, we sat together talking and watching the kids playing. It was the kind of the day, you don’t want to do anything, just hang out with friends, let the time slip by. That was exactly I need, I felt better and comfortable slowly. I could stay there all day, watch the endless waves the ocean conducted.

It was 3pm when we got home, Terry cooked spaghetti for lunch.

I woke up from my dream last night, I saw my elder sister who past away 9 years ago. This was my dream, the feeling and thoughts I had in my dream.

I’m walking with a girl on the winding road along the Mekong River, from my home town city to another small town. She is not my younger sister, but a friend, a blurred figure don’t match with any of my friends in my real life.

We see a friend and his girlfriend standing with their bikes on the road side, facing to the river, looking out. My friend think, the man had a girlfriend too soon after his wife died not long ago. I tell her, life is too short, he should continue enjoy his life if that make him happy.

We keep walking along downward of the river, half way of our journey, there is a village or resident area by the road. We get inside a building, not a temple, but feel like a temple without any statues. Like an exhibition, displaying many things in the room; I look around there like a tourist.
My friend is leaving for a place, will meet me there later.( I know where she is going, but don’t really know what this place is. )  There is a group of people standing at a corner in the room. They are not dressed like monks, but feels like monks who take care of this place. My friend offer, not ask, to take something from this room to the place she is going (There are more than one things need to be sent to this one place); the care takers grant her. She is gone.
I see a three level wood shelf, with beautiful flower pots on it. 4,5 dolls in yellow golden dresses stand in front of the shelf, about half meter height. I walk up to have a good look; startled by the two dolls in front, they are alive little girls, looks like 4, 5 years old with rather too small body. 

Then I start taking pictures of these flowers on the shelf, my brother-in-law come in, pull out one of Lucky Bamboo (Ribbon Dracaena) from its pot. I say:” Why do you do that ? You will upset my elder sister. ”
I turn around, see my sister right behind me, I give her a hug right away, tell her ” I love you” . She say:” I love you too, so much, I drank the whole can orange juice you brought to me.” I realize she is much shorter than me, then I notice, she is on her knees. (She is a big person, it might be too big effort for her to stand.) I know she suffers a lot with her health problem, I can feel that she want to give it up. There are so many things in my mind, so many things I want to say to her. But no more words come out from me, I’m crying on her shoulder.

My own crying woke me up from the dream, some of the detail scenes fainted away by seconds. I held on tight to the feeling of our hug, it was a solid, full, flesh, squeeze hug.  It was so good and so real, I had never hugged her in this way in my life. I said ” I love you” in English, she spoke to me in English too. I kept my eyes close, hoped to get back to the dream where I left (sometimes it works). Instead, the emotion took over of me, I cried, let the tears flow. Mean while, I tried to be quiet, not to wake up Sonny and Terry.

I couldn’t back to sleep, just lied there, some memories of her came back to me. I missed her so much, wished I had talked to her more often and had helped her more when she was alive.

Before she past away, she fainted several times, my mom worried and went to her house, lived with her family for a couple of weeks. I called her house, talked to mom and her many times. At that time, I was pregnant and found out I would have a baby boy. I shared my news with them, she was happy for me. She didn’t get a chance to meet Sonny, but she knew I would have a child, I would become a mother.

Since she past away, she has came into my dream a few times, we had some amazing conversations, communications in the dream linked my world with her world. There is nothing we can do to change the life of our past, except keep the memories of the ones we love in our heart , until one day we leave this world ourselves.

I laughed when I was happy; cried when I was sad; climbed to the top of mountain if my optimistic took me; sank to the bottom of the river when the depression tied me up; experienced all feelings as a human being. I know, I will experience all these feelings from time to time, laughing and crying again and again. I cherish those happy or sad moments, even the pain of losing love ones; it made up my whole life, became part of me, through those moments, showed me who I am. An alive person, living and experiencing through this life time.