I felt low yesterday in the morning, didn’t have much patience with Sonny. The gloom mood just sank into my body, I felt it spread to every corner of me and couldn’t do anything to stop it.

I told Terry, “I’m not happy today.” He asked:” Any reason?” “No reasons, it’s just one of those low spirit days. Give me some time, time will cure it.” Terry told Sonny to listen to me without argument, make the day easy for me.

Sonny and I went to beach, Terry stayed home, baked some bread and watched football game.

When we arrived at beach, some of our friends already there, sat in the shade under the tree. It was a clear sunny day, mellow water. I talked with our friends for a little while, when the ocean built up some waves, I jumped into the ocean, played 2 hours.The low feeling descended from me, I actually had some fun, caught some good waves.

Later two lady friends came with their kids and grand-kids, we sat together talking and watching the kids playing. It was the kind of the day, you don’t want to do anything, just hang out with friends, let the time slip by. That was exactly I need, I felt better and comfortable slowly. I could stay there all day, watch the endless waves the ocean conducted.

It was 3pm when we got home, Terry cooked spaghetti for lunch.

I woke up from my dream last night, I saw my elder sister who past away 9 years ago. This was my dream, the feeling and thoughts I had in my dream.

I’m walking with a girl on the winding road along the Mekong River, from my home town city to another small town. She is not my younger sister, but a friend, a blurred figure don’t match with any of my friends in my real life.

We see a friend and his girlfriend standing with their bikes on the road side, facing to the river, looking out. My friend think, the man had a girlfriend too soon after his wife died not long ago. I tell her, life is too short, he should continue enjoy his life if that make him happy.

We keep walking along downward of the river, half way of our journey, there is a village or resident area by the road. We get inside a building, not a temple, but feel like a temple without any statues. Like an exhibition, displaying many things in the room; I look around there like a tourist.
My friend is leaving for a place, will meet me there later.( I know where she is going, but don’t really know what this place is. )  There is a group of people standing at a corner in the room. They are not dressed like monks, but feels like monks who take care of this place. My friend offer, not ask, to take something from this room to the place she is going (There are more than one things need to be sent to this one place); the care takers grant her. She is gone.
I see a three level wood shelf, with beautiful flower pots on it. 4,5 dolls in yellow golden dresses stand in front of the shelf, about half meter height. I walk up to have a good look; startled by the two dolls in front, they are alive little girls, looks like 4, 5 years old with rather too small body. 

Then I start taking pictures of these flowers on the shelf, my brother-in-law come in, pull out one of Lucky Bamboo (Ribbon Dracaena) from its pot. I say:” Why do you do that ? You will upset my elder sister. ”
I turn around, see my sister right behind me, I give her a hug right away, tell her ” I love you” . She say:” I love you too, so much, I drank the whole can orange juice you brought to me.” I realize she is much shorter than me, then I notice, she is on her knees. (She is a big person, it might be too big effort for her to stand.) I know she suffers a lot with her health problem, I can feel that she want to give it up. There are so many things in my mind, so many things I want to say to her. But no more words come out from me, I’m crying on her shoulder.

My own crying woke me up from the dream, some of the detail scenes fainted away by seconds. I held on tight to the feeling of our hug, it was a solid, full, flesh, squeeze hug.  It was so good and so real, I had never hugged her in this way in my life. I said ” I love you” in English, she spoke to me in English too. I kept my eyes close, hoped to get back to the dream where I left (sometimes it works). Instead, the emotion took over of me, I cried, let the tears flow. Mean while, I tried to be quiet, not to wake up Sonny and Terry.

I couldn’t back to sleep, just lied there, some memories of her came back to me. I missed her so much, wished I had talked to her more often and had helped her more when she was alive.

Before she past away, she fainted several times, my mom worried and went to her house, lived with her family for a couple of weeks. I called her house, talked to mom and her many times. At that time, I was pregnant and found out I would have a baby boy. I shared my news with them, she was happy for me. She didn’t get a chance to meet Sonny, but she knew I would have a child, I would become a mother.

Since she past away, she has came into my dream a few times, we had some amazing conversations, communications in the dream linked my world with her world. There is nothing we can do to change the life of our past, except keep the memories of the ones we love in our heart , until one day we leave this world ourselves.

I laughed when I was happy; cried when I was sad; climbed to the top of mountain if my optimistic took me; sank to the bottom of the river when the depression tied me up; experienced all feelings as a human being. I know, I will experience all these feelings from time to time, laughing and crying again and again. I cherish those happy or sad moments, even the pain of losing love ones; it made up my whole life, became part of me, through those moments, showed me who I am. An alive person, living and experiencing through this life time.

It was Wednesday when I got back to Hawai’i from China, took a few days rest, next Monday I went with Terry to watch Sonny taking swimming lesson.

There were 9 kids, age from 6 to 13, only two kids looks younger than Sonny.  He was a slow swimmer, but it seems didn’t bother him at all. Sometimes he played and talked with other kids, sometimes he just practiced his diving alone, either way, he was relax and happy in the pool. He was himself, didn’t change a bit even in different environment.

Their teacher asked them to trading water for 3 minutes, other kids were quite and trying to keep their heads above the water at the same spot. We only could hear Sonny’s voice, his silly babbling, ” Ho! I can’t hold any longer, Ho! I’ll drown, I’ll die, …..” He babeled that 3 whole minutes, I even could hear a trace of his laugh when he complained. His teacher just laughed at him, the silly boy.

That night in the bed, I thought about his time in the pool, said to him, ” Sonny, you have a free spirit.”

He asked :” Is a free spirit like a ghost, can go wherever he wants ?”

“Sort of .”

He asked again, ” He can even running around in the coffee land naked ?”

” Yes.”

Next day, he asked :” Mom, can I run around in coffee land naked ?”

I told him, ” Sure, go ahead.”

So, he took off his cloth, ran around the houses, bamboo tree, played like this alone for a long time. I was doing laundry, saw him running between buildings, so happy with his new game. It made me wonder what his feeling was, maybe a feeling  of freedom.

That week, he had to play his naked game every day. I’m glad, he had a good time with his game. I wish this silly and playful little boy will always live inside of his heart, amuse himself once a while even when he is a grown man or an old man.

In this Summer, I went back to China for 6 weeks alone, Terry and Sonny stayed home, most days Sonny had his swimming lesson.

On May, I got  a phone call from my sisters, my mom wasn’t doing well, they afraid there wouldn’t be much time left for her. Anything happen to my mom, Terry and Sonny are there to support me. Terry said to me: ” You only have one mom, if you don’t go to see her before she die, you will regret forever. ” Sonny said:” I’ll stay home, help daddy working in the farm.” I bought tickets next day, left for China in a week.

I arrived there at midnight on Saturday, Monday morning my younger sister and I took mom to hospital, checked in right away with a help from my friend who works at that hospital. There were 2 or 3 beds in a patient room, a bathroom with shower and a TV; it was much better than few years ago.

In the hospital, the nurses’ job is to give the patient medicine, give  shots,or change IV bottle. There is no nurse looking after a patient 24hours, or bring food to a patient. That’s the job of the patient’s family , that’s what I did in the hospital for my mom. I had a canvas folding bed, at night I set it beside my mom’s bed and slept there, put it away during the day time. It was hot, one light blanket was all I need. The hospital has a cafeteria, food was good, you can choose from over 50 different dishes every meal, mom liked their food.

My mom has had diabetes for 11, 12 years, her kidney doesn’t function very well now. Before I went back when her legs swelled up, my sister took her to hospital and stayed a few days. Until she was doing better, then back home with some medicine. Things were getting worse, the medicine she was taken to help releasing water from her body, it started losing its affect on her. A month before I went back, mom went a different hospital and stayed 10 days. Their treatment didn’t make a big difference, she couldn’t stand there any longer. But at home, she couldn’t lie down to sleep, she couldn’t breath otherwise; she only could sit up while she slept.

Doctor Li, who was in charge of my mom, is a small and fairly young girl, about 27 years old. My friend told me, Dr. Li just graduated from school, it is her first year working in the hospital. She is a very gentle and soft spoken person, whatever medicine she gave to my mom, seems working. In first two days, mom did many tests and check up; at 3rd day, mom’s legs back to normal size, she could lie flat in bed and slept well. She was improving so fast, on 8th day, we checked her out from hospital, at that time she could walk to bathroom herself.

I didn’t cry when I saw my mom at first night. But I cried and couldn’t stop my running tears and nose, for a person and a family I’ve never met before.

An old lady moved into the same patient room 2 days before my mom checked out, she was in serious condition, couldn’t move, couldn’t talk, couldn’t see. Her two daughters with her, they seems love and care her a lot. In 3 hours after she checked in, her eldest son arrived from another city. Her elder daughter said:” Mom, your favorite son is here, he come back to see you.” It’s not a big room, I could see and hear everything. Tears came down on the old lady’s face silently, her daughter wiped tears for her and told her ” don’t cry”; her son sat beside her and held her hand. All of that opened my tear gate, I turned around to face the window, tried to cry in silent, but I couldn’t control myself. The other daughter tried to tell me what happen to her mother, she saw me crying, I couldn’t manage to say a word to respond. Their love toward their mother touched my heart, I cried, cried because I saw and felt their love.

My mom was sleeping when it happened, so she didn’t know about it. Back to home, I told her, even my feeling and thoughts about that family. Can you imagine what my mom respond to me? She said:” It is nice, her son came back from another city to see her. Look, you are as good as they are, you come back from Hawaii, even farther place to see me and take care me. You saved my life, without you be here, I wouldn’t be here right now.” This is how my mom thinks, a different view I’ll never see it by myself.

When we were young, our parents gave care and love to us, raised us as good as they could. When they get old, we take care them and love them, that’s what we suppose to do. But my mom always has this gratitude toward us for giving her love and care, in her late years of life.

When I left Hawaii for China, I only had the worst thought with me, that was watching my mom die and bury her with my sisters. But this trip taught me that you don’t give up a hope easily, always keep a hope in your heart no matter how hard and bad situation you are in. Life is unpredictable, it gave me a big and good surprise, I’m lucky and feel grateful to it.

I visited my family 5 weeks this summer alone, spent most of my time at mom’s house.

Cooking, washing, cleaning, and chatting at the same time; I tried to devote as much time as I can to my family, most was to my mom. Without Terry and Sonny on this trip, I put all of my attention and energy to my family, wished I could do more for them.

Mom aged a lot, one day feels good, next day might feels bad. She can’t do much any more, which she never imagined it will happen to her too. Her wrists feel too weak to lift a full thermos, have a hard time to pour hot water into her tea cup. I made tea for her every day and added hot water into her cup whenever she needed. At her sick day, I even bathed her which I never did before. One day, she said:” Ah, It’s so good that you are here serving me full time, I love it. I wish your sister can do it too.” I laughed and said:” Don’t forget my sister has to work, take care her kid and do all the house works. And I’m different, I have no job here, all I’m doing here is taking care of you.” I’m glad that she enjoyed my visiting.

My mom didn’t learn to read and write, she can’t even speak fluent Chinese, but she is the wisest woman I’ve ever known. She gave me best advices when I need one, helped me make up my mind, chose the right one along my growing up.

I remember, we were visiting my family few years ago; an old lady who was also living in the same building, said:”You married so far away from home, even you miss your mom, you can’t come back to visit her often.” I don’t remember what I said exactly, might just some agreeable words.

When I told my mom what the lady said, she said:” Don’t look at the thing in that way. If you have a good marriage, doesn’t matter where you live, I know you have a good life, it will always make me, make our whole family happy. If you married to a yuck man and had a bad time, even you live at next door and see me every day, it will only make me sad and feel sorry for you.” That is how my mom always help me to look at things from a positive view.

I cooked soup noodle for breakfast every morning, wheat noodle or rice noodle. With simple ingredients but I can’t get in Hawaii, the noodle tasted very good every morning. My little nephew would only eat the noodle I cooked, not his mom’s cooking. Even my mom praised my cooking skill, said my marriage life changed me, made me a better cook.

My mom’s elder sister still lives in the village, not too far away, but they haven’t seen each other for years. A week after I arrived, I called my cousin and he came to visit with my aunt, aunt spent a week with us. They both had hard lives, saw lots of changes in their life time, their experiences became history. I want to know more about their life, got them both telling me their childhood story, and about my grandma who I don’t remember very much.

During my vocation, there was the Swing Festival of Aka people, one of the biggest festival except New Year Festival. Our relatives from different villages invited us, but we only went to my aunt’s village.

Beginning I thought that I could shot some actual swing video, but they didn’t build a swing in aunt’s village this year. So we visited several relative’s homes, had meal after meal, my brother in laws couldn’t get away without drinking, they were drunk at the end.

This was the first meal we had at one of my cousin’s house. The table is made of rattan which is the traditional item of my tribe, it’s very light and can be hung on the wall after meal. Living in jungle, my ancestors learned to use materials from forest. My mom and aunt told me, when they were young, from rice bowl, spoon, wine cup, rice container, to big round container for steaming rice, even container for making vegetable pickles were all made of bamboo. Dinning table, seat, basket were made of rattan. Less and less people use those items now.

As a guest to visit any household at any time, you can’t go with empty hands, that is one of our tradition. When you leave, the host won’t let you go with empty hands either. At this festival, sticky rice cake is the special gift from the host to the guest, which is the food I miss a lot.

My cousin’s wife made some sticky rice cakes the day before, I told her that I missed this food a lot but don’t know how to make it. She made a small batch right away, to demonstrate, so I can make it myself here. She and her husband have very close relationship with my family, they never hesitate to do a favor for us at any time.

She steamed sticky rice, pounded in a stone mortar with a heavy wood stick; fried sesame seeds and mashed it with salt, then coated it on the rice; made small round cake shape and coated with sesame one more time, it’s done. We had some fresh rice cake right away, and took some home, heated up whenever we want it.

My elder sister fried some rice cakes as soon as we got home, but heated it up on hot charcoal is the old way and better way. When it cooked, it will puff up, crispy outside, soft inside. It kept sticky rice’s natural taste and a hint of wood fire flavor, this was my snack between my meals, I love it.

My time over there seems so busy, even I didn’t do anything big, just lots of small things. When I was not doing anything, I would spend the time chatting with my sisters and my mom, watching TV with them. Life is so busy over there, I couldn’t find a quiet moment to read or think. It made me missing the life as a Kona coffee farmer very much, and made me cherish the life I’m living in morethan ever.

When my vocation time got shorter and shorter, I was glad as I would see Terry and Sonny soon; at the same time, I was sad that I had to leave my mom and my sisters. I had to tell myself, that I had a very good visiting and did what I wanted.

My mom woke me up early on the day I was leaving, so we could spent peaceful 2 hours and talk alone before every body get up. She told me, she was getting old but she still had many promising years to live, and we would see each other again. She is happy for me as I have a happy family of my own. She is a such wonderful mom and kind person, there are many beautiful stories about her. I’ll share more story about my mom some day.

We met Frank who is a scientist a few weeks ago, and we had a wonderful time with him. Meeting new people in your life is so interesting, in so many different ways; but meeting nice people is always the same, which is the pleasant and enjoyable moment you have with them. So many nice people we will meet in our life’s journey, how wonderful and fun it could be. I think about it, and appreciate it every time when I meet nice person.

A week later we got some mail from him, enclose with some photos and a four color pen for Sonny. That afternoon Sonny and I went to the upper chicken coop to let them out, we had a little conversation on the way back to house.

Sonny asked :” Mom, do we know any scientist ?”

I :” Yes, uncle Frank is a scientist .”

Sonny :” A real scientist ?”

I :” Yes, a real one .”

Sonny :” Wow! that’s so cool, we actually know someone is a real scientist.”

Await two seconds, he asked :” Does he have scientist jacket ?”

I :” What jacket ? Is a scientist have to wear some special jacket ?”

Sonny :” The white jacket, scientist always wear. ”

I :” Well, I don’t know. You can ask uncle Frank next time when you see him again. ”

That evening, he took the 4 color pen apart, said :” I’m investigate and learn to put the pen together. I’m going to be a scientist when I’m grow up.”

I couldn’t help,and said :” Good, mom will be much happier with you as a scientist than a fight jet pilot. ”

Right away he said :” Maybe I can be a scientist in army.”

Silent, no more words from me.

Think it over right now, a child can have many many dreams about what they are going to do, who they want to be, when they grow up. It’s so natural to them, seems build in their young life. As we grow older, we lose some dreams and gain some new ones; we always need good dreams to look forward. With no dream, our life could be like a dead water pond. Dreaming won’t hurt, it costs nothing, and it’s keeping your interest to  life, and keeping your heart stay young.

Have a dream, or have many dreams, it’s up to you. But sure to have a good one.

Frank’s wife posted his write about visiting our farm on a Blog, click the link to read the article.

http://glenniacampbell.typepad.com/silenti/2012/06/kona-coffee-roasting-company-a-travelers-tale.html

Sonny had a loose top front tooth for a while, he heard tooth fairy story. He was working on it every night before sleep, because he wanted be rich. (Expecting tooth fairy leave money under his pillow )

Last Friday early morning, about 4am, Sonny woke me up from my deep sleep.

“Mom, Mom, I lost my tooth, turn the light on, I need to find my tooth.”

“The light is too bright, use a flash light.”

He found the lost tooth, and put it under his pillow carefully. I told him to go back to sleep, so the tooth fairy can visit him. He had no trouble go back to sleep in a few minutes.

Terry came back to bed from his early morning reading coach, I told him what happened.

He said:” Well, I better put some money under his pillow.”

I asked:” How much are you going to give him?”

” A hundred ”

” It’s kind of lot to me, and he has more loose teeth, what are you going to do next time?”

” Oh, it’s only for the first big front tooth, next time, give him ten cents.”

“All right, he will remember this for a long time.”

We got up and did our morning routine. Sonny was playing with his Lego toys and forgot about his tooth, we had to remind him to check under his pillow. Terry and I sat on coach waiting in the living room, then we heard his running step from bedroom, and his excited and happy voice,

“Hi, guys, guess what I got from tooth fairy?”

I asked:” what did you get?”

” A hundred dollar, I’m rich.”

” Wow, the tooth fairy is very generous.”

He put his tooth into a tooth chest which he got from dental check up on the same week, he went to school with it. That day he was the boy who had a story to tell.

One day later, he put the same tooth under his pillow, just in case, tooth fairy visit again. Silly boy!

Here is another earlier Sonny beach picture, he was a naked boy for a long time at beach. Before we went to beach, I always helped him put on bathing suit; but as soon as we arrived at beach, first thing he did is taking off his bathing suit. It became an old story of him, no more naked Sonny at beach. I’m so glad that I caught many precious moments with camera.

Love naked baby at beach, they are cute and beautiful.